Who I Am

        I fit the profile of many people: Walter Scott, Amadou Diallo, Philando Castile, and George Floyd. I also fit the profile of Michael Slager, Sean Carroll, Richard Murphy, Edward McMellon, Kenneth Boss, Jeronimo Yanez, and Derek Chauvin. I am a black man. I am also a police officer. Both of these make up who I am. Alone, neither of these fully define me.

        At birth, I was defined as being a son and brother. My identity grew as I got older. I became a friend, musician, uncle, college graduate, husband, professor, ex-husband, and boyfriend. None of that matters when I often get reduced to being just two things: a black man and a cop.

I am and will always be a black man. However, to reduce me to only being a black man is unfair. Beneath my skin are all the other factors that make me who I am, but my melanin often blocks people from seeing that. Once some people see my skin and gender, they don’t care about what else makes me who I am.

        I am a police officer only 40 hours a week. I wear a uniform and badge for only those hours. Beneath my uniform and badge are all the other factors that make me who I am, but my uniform often blocks people from seeing that. Once people see my uniform, they don’t care about what else makes me who I am.

        I hurt when anyone dies unnecessarily. I have investigated too many homicides where people were killed because of nonsense. Most of the murder victims I have come across are black men. Most of them were killed by another black man. It frustrates me to see us killing each other. We have enough systemic disadvantages that have grown over the past 400 years. We don’t need to put ourselves down any farther. Unfortunately, black men get typecast as a violent, criminal demographic and it is difficult to overcome that.

        It pains me to see my fellow officers acting inappropriately. I know how we are trained. I know how we are supposed to act. Police officers are humans, which means they are not perfect. Humans make mistakes, but police officers’ mistakes can have monumental and permanent repercussions. Then there are the times where officers intentionally cause harm. This aggravates me immensely. We are not all like that. These officers tarnish our badge and bring disrepute to our profession. Hundreds of thousands of officers across the country are left to answer for the reprehensible actions of a few.

        People should be upset when the police commit the ultimate crime and unjustly take someone’s life. I understand protestors’ frustrations when they yell, “I can’t breathe!” or “No justice, no peace!” They are tired of living like Groundhog Day. Police kill a black man. Police kill another black man. And another. I get it. They’re tired of it. I’m tired of it. Truly, I’m tired of my people killing my people.

        I understand their perspective, anger, and heartache. I identify with them because I am them. When you stand across from me, don’t judge me by the first thing you notice. I am not what you think. We are not all bad. I don’t fit your stereotype. I am more than the cover of my book. I am more than a black man. I am more than a cop. I am me.